Dreading 'July'

I wish this month is erased off from the calender.. especially the last week of the month. Have travelled from the times when 'july' was always my favorite month, not coz of the event, but just simply because of the way it sounds! And now... a month i hardly look forward to.

Miss my 'Ants' !

It was summer... sitting in my little studio in the peak of heat was sometimes quite frustrating. I don't have a fan either. So, as i stayed glued to my pretty purple mattress rolled on the floor and spoke to my hummingbirds; i would see a trail of ants almost everyday. The tiny red ants that followed a 'Q' system and the little & big black ants that ran around happazard! Sometimes, as i paint, an ant would run-up for a closer inspection and move on without even giving me an opinion!!

My funny *imaginative mind* was secretly glad that i worked with Acrylics which dried instantly. Otherwise, if it was oils, can you imagine these tiny little ant 'pugmarks' like specs all over my white sheet of paper !! SO, anyways.. as it was acrylic, i used to let these ants stroll around without charging them a heavy fine!

Well, these ants were having a feast in my studio with all the biscuit crumbs lying around. And ofcourse, they would help carry away the mosquitoes i killed now and then, into wherever their ant hole was. Sooon, i discovered that the summer-heat got to them too. Almost everyday i would see them making their way into my waterbowl that i use to paint! SO then, they made me get another waterbowl ! But they started visiting that too! Hmm.. What to do?! Nuthing much.. i realised they were smart enough to drink from the cleaner water! :) {WELL.. imagine me sitting there with a whole lot of waterbowls by my side and dipping my brush in the ones there are no ants getting drunk! hehe!}

However, now the days passed, the heat is gone and the weather is cloudy with a cool breeze whisping past. I don't see my ants anymore. No one to take my biscuit crumbs that lay around or inspect my paintings. I wonder where they have dissapeared to.

Ah! Missing those ants... they gave me good company as i paint! :)

Ego , Patience or fading faith ???

At times i wonder what's stopping me.
Is it the 'pride', that i have tried enough?
Is it the silent wait to give others a chance?
Is it the realisation that there is no hope no more?

Which one is it?
May be bits of all three ??

As i read... here are a few lines that hold my thoughts...

"If you can Dream it, you can do it."
"If you have a question, then go find the answer."
"Never make a desision, until you have to."

How am i ??

It hasn't been easy to stay positive through this phase.
.. A big part of me wants to run away to far-far-away land.
.. TORN between what is right and what is wrong;
.. Moving on with an enthusiasm that has lost its spark.

.. Still learning about acceptance and letting go.
.. 'Agreeing to disagree' (i see no choice; slowly giving up)

Now
... realizing that its real.
... can't forgive myself yet.
... confused.. dono how i fare emotionally. There are ok days and bad days.
... forcing myself to socialise.
... a part of me acting when am with other people.
... forcing myself to appear strong.
... Keep REMINDING myself to blindly start doing everything that i once loved.
... and for now, trying to learn the art of pretense. To do what is 'rare'.

Run!! Run!! Run!!

" There is no problem so big it cannot be runaway from "
Haha... there sure are some people who abide by this quote so religiously !!
Well.. all the best folks!
Keep on running then... you may find what you want... But then,again! You are very much used to running away, anyway!! hehe!

overstep?

A step outside
and the birds are in fear.
A tiny whisper 'hello'
'WwoooshhhH'... they all fly away.
Wonder if its possible to undo the overstep.
If i was only aware then..
Now, probably a lifetime.