first vs. second

I guess its easy for one to go through a second loss... when they have already faced the first big one. Probably, one knows all the stages, symptoms and results that come as a package.
Second time around.. Even if one chooses the loss, they are familiar with the process and how it works..i guess. In a way, that should be a good thing, i think. Will it really help you handle it better ??

further away..

the feelings of indifference
kept the world far away.

Now, little steps closer
to what was once my world.
i realise
everything n' everyone,
is further away..

Silent-joyous-bounce

To my amazement, even through the many months..... A sudden stumble upon a word, still sends echo's into the mind and lingers on with a silent - joyous - bounce ! I pass a sigh coz the words can't be shouted out, as its hidden deep within the silence..

Nothing much to do, but add some more silence to the silence..

An artist i am ?

Have all the colours in the pallete to paint...
yet i need help to paint my own life.

What are Memories ? - by Sarada Prasad

I recently chanced upon a blog by CSP, as she had left a comment on another blog of mine. Loved a few words she had typed in there. Its so well written. Hope she doesn't mind me tagging it here. http://sharadaprasad.blogspot.com/

WHAT ARE MEMORIES ?
A very scientific way of defining memory would be - a network of neurons wired in a specific manner to generate the same kind of feeling (may be a very abstract way to relive the moment) that is recorded in the brain. Wikipedia defines memory as the ability of the brain to store, retain, and subsequently recall information.

It may be anything - but for us - life is not only living the current moment but relishing and savouring all the good times you had previously. Few people live their life in past - they relive their memories. They sit at one place - but their brain takes them to all those places, takes near all those people (to a different realm)

Certain incidents and few people get wired to such an extent that those memories become indelible. Memories are like doubled edged razors. We not only remember good things but also certain bad incidents. Memories are capable of inflicting same amount of pain or equal amount of happiness.

Worst part of the memories is - Harder you try to forget someone - deeper will be the impression created - her presence becomes more vivid. Weird is the concept of memories - so is the concept of life.

Learn to live with memories. Don't try hard to remember someone or forget others. Our brain is wired - you cannot help much. But our thought process might be controlled. We can get engaged in different activities - we should keep our brain distracted - then it can, momentarily atleast, rewire and you will be reprieved. When all contrived thoughts ebb and when the brain returns to its normal state - there - at the bottom of the ocean of your memories - you will see those faces again. They just remind you the fact that even time cannot erode certain things in life - some impressions are permanent.

Dreading 'July'

I wish this month is erased off from the calender.. especially the last week of the month. Have travelled from the times when 'july' was always my favorite month, not coz of the event, but just simply because of the way it sounds! And now... a month i hardly look forward to.

Miss my 'Ants' !

It was summer... sitting in my little studio in the peak of heat was sometimes quite frustrating. I don't have a fan either. So, as i stayed glued to my pretty purple mattress rolled on the floor and spoke to my hummingbirds; i would see a trail of ants almost everyday. The tiny red ants that followed a 'Q' system and the little & big black ants that ran around happazard! Sometimes, as i paint, an ant would run-up for a closer inspection and move on without even giving me an opinion!!

My funny *imaginative mind* was secretly glad that i worked with Acrylics which dried instantly. Otherwise, if it was oils, can you imagine these tiny little ant 'pugmarks' like specs all over my white sheet of paper !! SO, anyways.. as it was acrylic, i used to let these ants stroll around without charging them a heavy fine!

Well, these ants were having a feast in my studio with all the biscuit crumbs lying around. And ofcourse, they would help carry away the mosquitoes i killed now and then, into wherever their ant hole was. Sooon, i discovered that the summer-heat got to them too. Almost everyday i would see them making their way into my waterbowl that i use to paint! SO then, they made me get another waterbowl ! But they started visiting that too! Hmm.. What to do?! Nuthing much.. i realised they were smart enough to drink from the cleaner water! :) {WELL.. imagine me sitting there with a whole lot of waterbowls by my side and dipping my brush in the ones there are no ants getting drunk! hehe!}

However, now the days passed, the heat is gone and the weather is cloudy with a cool breeze whisping past. I don't see my ants anymore. No one to take my biscuit crumbs that lay around or inspect my paintings. I wonder where they have dissapeared to.

Ah! Missing those ants... they gave me good company as i paint! :)

Ego , Patience or fading faith ???

At times i wonder what's stopping me.
Is it the 'pride', that i have tried enough?
Is it the silent wait to give others a chance?
Is it the realisation that there is no hope no more?

Which one is it?
May be bits of all three ??

As i read... here are a few lines that hold my thoughts...

"If you can Dream it, you can do it."
"If you have a question, then go find the answer."
"Never make a desision, until you have to."

How am i ??

It hasn't been easy to stay positive through this phase.
.. A big part of me wants to run away to far-far-away land.
.. TORN between what is right and what is wrong;
.. Moving on with an enthusiasm that has lost its spark.

.. Still learning about acceptance and letting go.
.. 'Agreeing to disagree' (i see no choice; slowly giving up)

Now
... realizing that its real.
... can't forgive myself yet.
... confused.. dono how i fare emotionally. There are ok days and bad days.
... forcing myself to socialise.
... a part of me acting when am with other people.
... forcing myself to appear strong.
... Keep REMINDING myself to blindly start doing everything that i once loved.
... and for now, trying to learn the art of pretense. To do what is 'rare'.

Run!! Run!! Run!!

" There is no problem so big it cannot be runaway from "
Haha... there sure are some people who abide by this quote so religiously !!
Well.. all the best folks!
Keep on running then... you may find what you want... But then,again! You are very much used to running away, anyway!! hehe!

overstep?

A step outside
and the birds are in fear.
A tiny whisper 'hello'
'WwoooshhhH'... they all fly away.
Wonder if its possible to undo the overstep.
If i was only aware then..
Now, probably a lifetime.

can't stop laughing !

Well.. my cousin and i were having one totally funny-stupid conversation, letting our imagination go wild and she asked me about the strongest bird. I was like... can't say.. but could be the Ostrich and the Harpy Eagle. We started googling and chanced upon this pic... hehe!!

http://www.indiastudychannel.com/gallery/92-Strongest-Bird.aspx

am sure this pic is absolutely modified... but just cudn't stop laughing ! Well.. connecting this pic to the most hilarious converstaion we were having, it became even more hilarious ! I could just imagine my cousin, sitting in the US and rolling with laughter too!

At the end.. she said.. 'MY! now am very very curious about these eagles!'

wonder 'bloom'

i wonder...

where does a little bud get all its energy from, to bloom ?
to open up, to stretch every petal and face the world...

What if that energy went totally missing... ?

What-if ?

There are no 'what-if's'
..trying to put that into my head.

Calvin & Hobbs: sin-sinner !

Hehe..
To the one who got me to read LOTZZ of Calvin n' Hobbs..
In those painting days, i went on painting n' painting while my friend used to come take a peek every now and then... sit on one big armchair, pic up a book and go on & on with a very very funny , unique e-style giggle ... and i used to look back and wonder 'hat's in that book!?'
Then curiosity triggered! :)
Can't forget that giggle-laugh... ever, i guess.
...seemed like 'pure joy' !

.. in touch

Hhmm.. sometimes i wonder..
"When you are not in touch with yourself...
how can you keep in touch with everybody else!"

... i wonder

..... at times..

There are times when am scared to remember...
At times, am scared i will forget..

Fly-away2 : Point Calimere and Muthupet Mangroves {Oct, 2008}

I guess i could call this 'fly-away' as part group and part lone adventure! It was not a planned trip as such. It started off with a strong urge to escape from Bangalore and some recurring thoughts, combined with an equally strong urge to visit Point Calimere once again. I happen to call Dr.Bala and he informed me about the bird-ringing camp, along with the BNHS ornithology group members the next week. And i was happy to know that Dr.Bala still remembered me... though it was after a span of 4 years. I had been a part of the same Ornithology course in 2004. That was absolutely brilliant... probably one of the best birding trips that i have been on till date.

However, within a couple days i had booked my tickets to join the second group of the course members. I didn't join them for the whole course as i had a painting to finish before i go on the trip. Also, i had an own trip planned up too... i wanted to travel and do some birding by myself. Well, a small part didn't think i would do it, but am glad that my eagerness won over me! Infact, i don't think i gave myself too much of a choice to think otherwise! I stayed back for an extra day at Point Calimere and the next day, i left to Muthupet Mangroves for a ride along with the fishermen upto the sea and back ! It was a wonderful experience especially with my excellent tamil !! ... or should i say dumbcharades!

Here's more about my 'flyway'.....

POINT CALIMERE SANCTUARY :

Point Calimere Wildlife and Bird Sanctuary is known for its diverse landscapes : Coastal plains, tidal mud-flats, swampy backwaters, grassland, tropical dry evergreen forests, salt-pans and mangroves, thus rich in biodiversity of flora and fauna. It is listed as an Important Bird Area (IBA) for India. Also, the sanctuary became a part of the RAMSAR convention, in 2002, declared as a place of international importance for the conservation of waterbirds and their wetland habitats.

My Stop-over: (19th to 23rd October, 2008)

Day 1: After a 12 hour bus journey from bangalore, via Vellankanni and Vedaranyam, i reached Point Calimere/Kodoakarai by lunch time. Soon after, we left to Muniyappan lake to try our luck with some ducks, but none had arrived yet. Then, left to the grassy-forest patch to do some bird ringing.

DAY 2 : We were out of the forest guest house as early as 4:30 am, got a little delayed by the rains and left to Vaduvoor bird Sanctuary and Sitheri Kere which were 2.5 hours away, enroute to Tanjavur. Both are freshwater lakes and got to see a large congregation of waterbirds, mainly ducks, over 5000 and 2000, respectively. Evening, we visited the forest patch again, for another round of birding and ringing.

DAY 3 : Out by 4:30am and by 5:15am we were walking along the beach, in the dark! It was beautiful to see the whole landscape light up, as the sun rose; and definitely more than a thousand gulls and terns flying above us ! Later, ringing and Dr.Bala interacting with some local school children about birds, conservation and bird-banding. The Day ended with another round of good birding. Some of them course participents left today.

DAY 4: The rest of the group left Point Calimere early this morning. I stayed back for an extra day, by myself! Walked all the way from the BNHS office to the Chola light house, to and fro, about 10 kms! Added a few more birds to my list. After lunch went to the Old pump house (one of my favourite spots). Thanks to Kiruba, Dr.Bala's field assistant who took me around. Now, there was just one cycle, so i had to hitch a ride on his cycle. Funny part - I had to hop on to a running cycle... sideways!! Well.. not that am heavy at all, but he couldn't take off if i already sat on it. So, you could literally see me running along the side of the cycle, sideways, with clumsy attempts to take off from the ground, without making any of us fall! IT was such a hilarious scene and absolutely embarrising... i almost gave up! hehe!

I sat there amongst the vast landscape without a single soul around, recollecting my first visit to Point Calimere and the many other wonderful moments of the past. Spent a couple of hours birding there, till it started getting dark and then, we had to head back. It was pleasant and beautiful. I wish I had more time there!

DAY 5: On 23rd, at 4:45am, I left to Muthupet Mangroves... just 2 hrs away. Had to re-consider my decision over and over again, as i would be travelling by myself in a land where my tamil is a hilarious mixture of kannada, telugu, hindi, english, all sorts of gestures, charades and hardly a couple of tamil words here and there ! However, with a strong urge to visit the place,it hardly took anytime to convince myself.

Met Mr.Guruswamy, another aquaintance of Dr.Bala, helped me arrange a fishing boat and also joined me on the boat ride. Acquiring permissions from the Forest Department and a cloud of heavy rain, delayed us by a half hour. Soon, we were off into the mangroves, which lead all the way uptill the open-sea!! It was a great feeling to be moving past long narrow paths with trees on either sides. However, there was one most dissapointing catch to the whole experience.... The boats were run on motors... and these motors were EXTREMELY noisy.

The Kingfishers and Brahminy Kites were in abundance. As it opens up to the sea, you will find terns and gulls flying right above the fishing boats to get an easy meal ! What a pretty sight! While heading back, the fisherman shouted 'SNake!', i sprang up to see an unusually big head for a snake. Immediately viewed through my binos and it turned out to be a Water Monitor Lizard !!! By then, the fisherman was calling out ' Udumbu!','Udumbu!!' , which refers to Monitor Lizard in Tamil. By the time we got much closer, it hid amongst the mangroves, but certainly left me with an excited expression on my face!

Fly-away1 : Honeyvalley, Coorg {2007}

Well.. out i flew on an adventure by myself, to one of my most favourite place in Coorg... Honey Valley estate! This was in August 2007, right after my birthday... a few things happened.. and i had this strong urge to get the hell outta Bangalore and spend some time with myself. With the many many days i have spent at HoneyValley as part of the adventure programs, the number of times i have walked up and down those trekking paths and not to forget the Chengappa's, the loving hosts of the estate, makes me feel at home! So, i guess it was an easy pick for me to run to. And also, 'Tadiandamol' was still haunting my thoughts... ever since my first camp at Coorg.

Am still amazed with what made me book that bus ticket and take off on a journey alone! However, it is one thing that i would never-ever have any regrets about! Am so glad i did it...

So.. it was just me, my binocs, my sketchbook, bird-guide, a little camera and a borrowed back-pack! Turned out to be quite a trip! Met a few amazing back-packers, did a whole lot of birding and scribbled in my sketch book every now and then. The best of all...walked past the leeches, brushing against the green grassland, through the dense shola forests, along steep slopes and mountain ridges, inbetween light showers to keep me going.... i trekked up all the way to the peak Tadiandamol with a local tribal guide, Chhata. It was a great feeling to reach the peak! A 21 kilometer trek that got me back to the estate completely drained out, hungry, thirsty ,but at the same time ... with the widest smile that felt like i had just conquered as empire !
However, there was an extra bonus on the trip... just when i was all set to close my sleeeepy eyes that night... i discover that a sleak, long creature happens to be sharing the room with me in the middle of the night! A Common Wolf Snake, it was !

Here is the link to 'Out of the sketchbook'... what i wrote in 2007, about the same trip.

My flyways

My flyways into the paths unknown;
A flyway into a memory forever...

An invisible string holding on to the moments past.
Passing through the colours and shadows;
A flyway into little joys and laughter, sadness and pain;
into life itself...